Young Writers Society

your story-poem was cool. I really liked the point and the rhyme but what was the The head man's hill? You need to be more specific in that case.

It somehow seems as though people do not read the first part of this poem story... at all. The story starts from the head man's hill poem... you can find it from my portfolio.

i liked it,

bit confusing at times, but that might just be my simple mind...

the vocab perhaps could using some fleshing out, but its good how it is

-grimy

ps: i love your sig lol i wish i were more crazy

Aha.... aha... aha...
How bad i am the 3rd to review.Though the poem was so nice.
But a bit catchy and dull.
And stop putting THE SPACES.
But if you think it is necessery go ahead who cares.
But i think it will be better trying to reduce the spaces.
OK.
And idon't think that it will be good if you put so much comma's
There were 1 or 2 mistakes
So here goes

The killer looked in awe,
The lad had a pair of white wings,
Those things shone like the sun itself,


The man saw he had done bad,
He was truly sorry.
The lad was forgiving and said,
Don't worry.


Then there came the voice of God,
If you wish to step in the door,
You must be sorry for ever more.
And you must pay your bill,


On the head man's hill.
The man was hesitant but soon gave up.
I will suffer he said,
I will go and pay my last bill on The head man's hill.
He turned around and walked back to his bill...
That is the tale of the head man's hill

Well, Firstly, i think that there are some really good aspects to this poem including...
'The killer looked in awe' good start. Immediately intorduces the poem
. the line..'The man was hesitant but soon gave up.' is also very memorable
although this poem contained some very good aspects that deserved to be picked out, i think you may need to re think your structure a little more. The plot to the poem isnt very clear and therefore confuses the reader a little. Also, add more punctuation to help the reader.
Good work. interested to see where this is going.
bisquit

Im happy to say that im your first review! I really liked it! im so curiose to what the bill was, but i think the poem could have been more powerful, more description i guess. keep up the good work!









xxx